Our Path to Parenthood: Change of Course

Oh, hello, blog. It’s been a crazy bunch of months since I last shared about our personal life. First, I want to share my most recent Facebook post.

The latest from the Henrys…

We’re adopting! (Or starting to/hoping to!)

We don’t have a ton of details to share yet, but might be able to answer some FAQs. Check out the link for more!

In a nutshell, we are pursuing domestic infant adoption. We are working with an agency and are just beginning the home study phase. As far as what we need, please PRAY for us- for wisdom, strength, peace of mind and heart, and for financial provision. (On that note, we will be sharing details in the near future on how to partner with us IF you feel led. No pressure, but we’ve had people asking about this already and are starting to make plans.)

Please pray for the baby who will (hopefully) join our family, and for their first parents and family members. We pray that they will also be blessed with peace, wisdom, and strength for their own journey.

We invite you to read more on Kristen’s blog, deepdelightfullife.com

…And here you are! Welcome to Mike and Kristen’s adoption announcement FAQ!

Why are you adopting? Most of you know about our history of infertility and miscarriage over the past few years. After my last medicated cycle at the end of November 2017, we didn’t feel like doing any more for the time being. It is such an arduous process that takes a physical and emotional toll, and to be honest… we didn’t like our odds as we continued to roll the dice. It felt like time to stop pursuing the biological route, but at the same time we still felt strongly called to parenthood, so adoption seemed like the next step for us. There’s already been a HUGE sense of relief to be off the “TTC” (trying to conceive) train. We don’t feel like biological children can never happen, but we will not be trying for that for the time being. Ultimately, we just want to be parents, and I feel reassured that we can do this because for both of us, our life’s work has been devoted to loving other people’s children. We know we have the love and care to give to someone who needs it.

How are you adopting? We are working with an agency on a domestic infant adoption. In this type of adoption, the baby is typically placed with the adoptive parents shortly after birth (a number of days determined by state law). We feel that this is the best option for us– we definitely considered them all!– and we look forward to knowing a child from almost the very beginning of their life. We are open to locations other than our home state of Iowa; we live in a tri-state area with Nebraska and South Dakota, so it’s possible baby could be born in one of those states, and we are open to other states as well.

How much does it cost? This is a common question. We are looking at a grand total of around $30,000 for all of the agency and legal fees, and possibly more for travel and legal if baby is born in a different state.

Where are you in the process? We are currently beginning the home study phase with our agency social worker. This is essentially a series of interviews, references, and background checks to make sure we’re safe, trustworthy, and capable to be parents. We are also required to go through some education about adoption during this time, which we’ve begun already by attending a conference and listening to some audio courses. It can take several months to complete this phase, so we hope to have it all wrapped up by Fall.

What happens next? After the home study is complete, our family profile will be shown to expectant mothers who are considering adoption (and fathers if they’re involved), and we will wait to be “matched” with an expectant mom or couple. We’re told the wait can be anywhere from a few months to two years. A lot of that time frame depends on how open we are to different factors of the parent/baby profiles (which is pretty open). Once we’re matched, it may be someone who has a few months left until her due date, or just a number of weeks or days. Sometimes the match occurs after the baby is born. We will definitely share once we’re matched, but will have to hold off on sharing details until things are official and baby is in our care. After baby is placed with us, it will be a while longer before the adoption is finalized by a judge (but we’ll be able to share pictures and info before that, don’t worry!).

Are you going to have an open adoption? Yes, we anticipate that there will be at least some openness between our family and the birth family. Openness looks different for every family, and depends on many different personal factors. We are very open to communication and visits– essentially a relationship with the birth family– but openness is determined by the birth and adoptive families together, so we won’t know until we meet them and discuss it. We do plan to be open with our child from the start about their adoption and their first family, too. A lot of the education we’re going through covers to these topics, so we feel like we’ll be as ready as we can be to handle them as they come up.

What do you need from your friends and family as you start this process? The very first things we ask for are prayer and understanding! We feel absolutely called to go through this process, but there are so many unknowns that it can feel reallllly overwhelming, so we need peace of mind and heart. We also need patience since we’ll be waiting for indeterminate amounts of time as we go along. Then, there are a lot of decisions to be made, many of which feel pretty heavy and important (probably because they are!), so we’re in need of wisdom. Pray that we will grow closer together as a couple and that God would use this experience to make us better parents, better partners….. just people who are more like Jesus and who lean on the fullness of God’s character.

Please also pray for our future child and their first family. Pray for the expectant mother, as she is the one who will be making most of the decisions– the decision of life for her child, the decision to make an adoption plan, and all the decisions in between. I can only imagine what it feels like to go through that process, and I am praying for her for grace, peace, wisdom, health, safety, clarity, hands to hold, and ears to listen to her. But it’s more than the mother. Baby will have a father, of course, and grandparents and extended family. We want to cover them all in prayer as they will have to go through their own journey before and after adoption is chosen. Please pray for these requests when you think of us!

As far as understanding, we ask that you bear with us when we don’t have any news to share, or are frazzled from decision overload, are going nuts from waiting, or whatever! When we get to the point of meeting expectant parents we may need emotional support when we have not been chosen yet. And, while we hope it won’t happen to us, sometimes a match falls through and the baby you think is “yours” …does not become yours. Just like our fertility journey, this new road is bound to have highs and lows. We hope you will rejoice with us, too, as we check off each part of the process that brings us closer to parenthood!

We would also ask that you join us in learning how to speak respectfully about adoption. There have been changes to how people in the adoption community are speaking about the different roles and parts of the process, and while the changes may seem small, they reflect a greater understanding of what each party in the adoption triad is going through. We’re still learning, too, and will probably make adjustments as we get farther along in the process. Still being new at this, I am hoping and praying I haven’t been offensive at any point in this post! Anyway, check out this short article about what to say.

Another way we will need help is for some to consider giving financially. It’s humbling to ask for, but we know we will need it. We have trimmed our budget and continue to find ways to do so, and have opened a line of credit with our local bank to cover some of the upcoming expenses. Once our home study is complete we can start applying for grants, but we’re pretty sure we will still need help. We want to keep our debt as low as possible as we look toward becoming a family of three, because that third little person will bring expenses of their own into the picture! The pre-existing budget is sufficient for adding children, but we’d like to avoid paying for adoption for years to come.

We will be sharing fundraising details once we have made those plans. Please hear our heart here: we hope that no one will feel obligated to give– just know we’re sharing for those who feel led, not because we’re trying to track down every last person and guilt them into it. 😉 So far, everything we’ve read and everyone we’ve talked to says that the money comes in, even when it looks impossible. Well, other people seem to be a BIG part of the money coming in! Please know that when we share about fundraising it is from a place of vulnerability and not of entitlement or expectation. We are not going to keep track of who’s NOT giving!

I think that sums up the FAQ. We would welcome your reaching out with questions, encouragement, etc. Because of the intense emotions and overwhelming nature of the adoption process (much like the fertility treatment process!), we need YOU, but it can be hard for US to reach out because of all we are carrying. So if you are feeling led, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You will not bother us. If it’s not a great time we will get back to you when we can. Now, as I’ve mentioned before, the church lobby is usually not the place for the in-depth check-in! 😉 That’s where the simple “praying for you” or meaningful hug is welcomed, and speaks volumes. BUT….. I want to express just how much I have appreciated the emails/messages/texts/notes from people checking up on us and showing support in the past… we may both appear strong, but our hearts could always use a little more encouragement.

Dear friends and family, we love and appreciate you! Thank you for being part of our lives, and for reading this update!

To any readers who I don’t know: if you found this post because you’re thinking about adoption after infertility, or are planning to announce your adoption plans…. welcome! You are not alone! I’m planning to write more on the topic here because getting to this point has been very emotional, and I can’t be the only one, so I’d love to connect with you. In the meantime, I have written about infertility, hope, and encouragement from God’s Word if you’d like to read some of those posts.

If you’re reading this and are farther down the road in your adoption journey…. I’d welcome your ideas and encouragement!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s